Past and Future
by coriswriting
Summary: Finchel drabble:  Rachel helps Finn to face a secret from his past and reflect on his future.  Based on spoilers from 3x10.


"Wait, Finn, where are you going?" Carol pleaded tearfully, desperately grabbing onto her son's arm.

"I just-I can't do this right now. I'm going to Rachel's," he stammered, wiping at his own tears with the back of his hand.

He didn't feel a thing as he walked out into the frigid January air without a coat. His mind felt completely numb as he climbed into the cold truck and turned the key in the ignition. He drove to Rachel's in a stunned stupor, his mother's words still echoing in his ears. The cruel secret she had just confessed had nearly knocked him to the floor like a sucker punch, and he was still reeling from the sting.

Rachel ran quickly to the front door as she saw the headlights of his truck through her bedroom window. She was shocked to find her boyfriend shivering in the cold, his face unable to hide the fact that he'd been crying.

"Finn!" she gasped, "Finn, what's wrong?"

He couldn't answer as she opened the door for him to come in. He only hugged her tightly and began to sob.

"Finn," Rachel said nervously, "Finn, you're scaring me."

She glanced toward the living room where her fathers were watching TV.

"Come on, sweetie, let's go to my room," she said worriedly, taking him by the hand.

He nodded silently, comforted by the the warmth of her voice.

He sank to the floor, leaning against the bed, burying his face in his hands. Rachel kneeled beside him and rubbed his back gently.

"Finn, please," she begged softly, "please talk to me."

He lifted his head slowly and looked into her eyes.

"It's about my dad," he whispered, choking back a sob, "my mom just told me-I-I can't even believe what she just told me. No. I don't believe it."

"Believe what, Finn?" Rachel asked with growing concern.

Finn furrowed his brow and swallowed hard as he struggled to repeat the words his mother had told him.

"I told her about how I met with the recruiter," he said, his voice cracking, "and she got really upset. And she told me that he had something she had to tell me about my dad, something that she had tried to protect me from for a long time. She said-she said my dad wasn't killed in battle. She said he came home, and everything he had seen over there messed him up so much that he-"

He took a deep breath as Rachel waited for him to continue.

"She said that he-that he _killed himself_," he cried, breaking down, "he _killed himself_, Rachel! I was a baby and we were his family and he was just so screwed up that he-he_ gave up on us. _He gave up on himself. All this time I thought he was this big hero and-"

He could speak no more. He buried his head in Rachel's neck as she wrapped her arms around him tightly. Now she too was stunned beyond words.

"It's okay, baby," she whispered over and over again as he sobbed in her arms, "it's going to be okay."

She searched herself for the ability to process the horrible truth he had just shared. Finn shook in her arms like a frightened puppy as she stroked his hair in effort to calm him down.

"I'm so sorry, Finn," she said quietly, "that's-that's awful. I-I'm so sorry, baby."

He nodded tearfully, still unable to speak.

"Finn, you're shaking," she said softly, "come lie down on the bed and let me get you some blankets, okay?"

He silently climbed up onto the bed, sighing heavily as he swiped at his eyes with his sleeve. Rachel curled up beside him, covering him with a quilt and handing him a glass of water.

"Here, baby, drink some water," she said soothingly, "that always helps me calm down when I'm upset."

He took a sip of water as Rachel placed a warm hand on his cheek.

"Finn," she began, "it's awful what happened to your dad. But it doesn't mean he wasn't still a hero. He still gave everything he had for his country. He gave more than anyone should ever have to give."

"I-I know," he stammered, "I just can't help feeling like he _abandoned_ us, you know? Like he was selfish-he ended his own pain, but what about us?"

"I understand," Rachel nodded, "I can see why you would be angry."

Finn nodded sadly, laying his head back down. He was quiet for several minutes as Rachel lie next to him, holding his hand in both of hers.

"Rachel?" he asked weakly.

"Yes, baby?" she replied, kissing his hand.

"I guess-I _am_ really angry about this," he said, pausing, "but-most of all, I'm scared."

"Scared?" she asked, frowning, "why?"

"Because what if my dad wasn't messed up just because of what happened to him in the army?" he blurted out, "what if he was like, _sick_, you know? Like, mentally ill or whatever. And he was my _dad. _Which means it could happen to _me_. What if, I'm like, going to go crazy, or something? What if I end up like him-"

"Finn," Rachel said, tears forming in her eyes, "Finn, you're jumping to conclusions. You don't know the whole story, and you're letting your worst fears get the best of you. You have to stop this. Besides, Finn, even if the worst did happen, I will be here for you, right by your side, no matter _what_, okay?"

"Why are you so good to me, Rachel?" he asked sullenly, looking away, "I've got a messed-up past, a messed-up future. Why do you need me dragging you down?"

"You're going to have to stop that right now," she scolded, "you are not messed-up. You're special, and wonderful, and inspiring, and the only dragging you do is bringing me back to reality when my ambition blinds me to the things that really matter. I would never get by without you, Finn. Never."

"Rachel," he said softly, shaking his head.

"I'm not finished," she said, "you're not just my support, Finn. You're going to be something amazing all on your own. I don't want to hear another word about you having a 'messed-up future.' You have no idea what tomorrow holds for you."

"Rachel," he began again, "I love you."

"I love you too, Finn," she said, tucking the quilt around him.

Exhausted and emotionally drained, he closed his eyes as she sang to him softly. She took his sneakers off and covered him with an extra blanket. She sat huddled beside him, gently playing with his hair until he fell asleep.

Finn woke the next morning to Rachel kissing him lightly on the forehead.

"Rach?" he murmured sleepily as he blinked his eyes open and suddenly remembered where he was, "my mom-"

"It's okay," said Rachel, smiling, "I talked to my dads, and we called your mom last night to tell her you were staying here. My dads even let me stay here in my room with you, as long as I kept the door open."

He smiled, relieved, as Rachel placed a tray of pancakes and orange juice across his lap. She sat down on the bed and took his hand.

"Your mom said she was taking the morning off from work, and she wants you to stay home from school and talk with her," Rachel said quietly.

Finn nodded, taking a deep breath.

"Guess I've got to face it, head on," he conceded, "no way around it."

"You'll feel better after you talk with her," Rachel reasoned, squeezing his hand, "maybe get some answers, you know?"

"I know," he replied, "you're right. Thanks for taking such good care of me, Rach. You're amazing."

"It's nothing, Finn," she said, smiling warmly, "I'm always here for you, you know that."

"I do," he replied, kissing her hand, "I do."

"Good," she said, placing a hand on his cheek, "now eat something. I'll see you after school, okay? I'll cover for you in glee."

"Love you," he said, giving her a tender kiss goodbye.

"Love you too," she whispered, "good luck with your mom, baby."

She gave his hand one more squeeze as she turned to leave for school.

Finn sighed heavily as he opened the front door to his house. He found his mother sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, looking worn.

"Hi, honey," she said, standing up to embrace her son, "are you feeling a little better today?"

"I am," he replied, hugging her back, "I'm sorry about last night."

"It's okay, Finn," she said, stepping back to look at him, "what I told you last night wasn't easy to hear. Did it help to talk with Rachel?"

"Yeah," he replied, "she helped me to see things a little more clearly."

"Good," smiled Carol, "she's a good girl, Finn. You're lucky to have each other."

Finn nodded in agreement as he pulled up a chair at the table.

"Finn," Carol began carefully, "I want you to know that your father wasn't a bad person. He was kind and warm and loving and he _adored_ you. He loved us so much, honey."

"Then why did he abandon us?" Finn asked quietly, "why did he put himself out of misery and leave us to suffer?"

"I don't believe he saw it that way, honey," Carol said earnestly, "when he came back from over there-the things he saw-you have to try to understand. He lost a big piece of himself in that desert, Finn, and he couldn't envision himself ever getting that back. He wasn't in his right mind anymore, and he got to thinking that we were better off without him. I tried to convince him that this wasn't true, but I couldn't make him believe it."

She paused, dabbing at the tears that had begun to spill down her cheeks. Finn let his own tears begin to fall as he took her hand.

"Maybe if his doctors had seen the signs sooner, maybe if they were more on top of his treatment, maybe if they knew everything they know now about PTSD, it would have been different," she continued, "but they didn't, and he paid the price. But you have to know that he wasn't a coward, Finn. Your father was a _good_ man who was an innocent victim of the horror he went through. I need you to understand that."

"I understand," Finn said uneasily, "but Mom, what if it wasn't just the war that made him that way? What if he was sick anyway and what if it happens to me?"

"Finn," said Carol firmly, "I can't tell you for certain that what happened to your dad would have happened had he have never gone to war. I can't tell you for certain that he didn't have something in his brain that made it more likely for this to happen. Honey, there aren't a hell of a lot of things you _can_ be certain about in life."

Finn looked down at his hands.

"But you can be certain of this," she said, "you can be certain that you will waste your life away if you worry about all the things that _could_ go wrong. And you can be certain that if things _do_ go wrong, you have people who love you and care about you to help carry you through it. Your dad would want you to make the most of your life. To do and experience all of the things he never got the chance to."

Finn smiled at his mother as he wrapped her in a bear hug.

"I love you, Mom," he whispered, "thank you."

"Mom?" Finn asked sheepishly, "what if I told you I couldn't imagine my future without Rachel?"

"Well," said Carol slowly, "I'd say I'm not surprised. I can see that you two have something special, Finn, I'm not blind. I imagined that you two would continue your relationship into the future."

"What if I told you I wanted to marry her?" he asked nervously.

Carol nearly spit out her coffee in surprise.

"Do you mean _now?" _she asked incredulously, "you're in high school, honey."

"Well, not right away or anything, but someday," Finn explained, "I just-what if I asked her if she would consider spending the rest of her life with me? I just-I know that if I have Rachel by my side, I won't be afraid of the future. I just feel like we can do anything if we're together."

"Well," smiled Carol, "I don't see any harm in talking about it with her...just promise you won't go running off to Vegas, okay?"

"Promise," he agreed, and kissed his mother on the cheek.

He found her alone in the choir room, just as he had hoped he would. He stopped in the doorway just to study her beauty for a moment. The way her hair cascaded down her back as she searched through her bag for sheet music. The way her dress swirled as she turned to find him standing there. The way her face lit up in a huge grin as she ran toward him.

"Finn!" she greeted him happily, "how did it go with your mom? Are you feeling any better about things?"

"We had a good talk," he said, placing his hands on her waist, "and you were right, Rach. I did get some answers, and I do feel better. More than better, actually."

He took her hands in his as he got down on his knees.

"Finn, what's going on?" Rachel asked, confused.

"Rachel," he began, "my mom made me promise that I would make the most of my life, that I would honor my dad's memory by doing all of the things he never got a chance to do. And I want to, Rach. I want to so badly. But only if I can do them with you. I can do anything if I know you'll be with me, Rachel. I know we're too young to get married, or even really get engaged, and I have no ring or anything. But will you tell me that we have a shot at forever, you and me?"

Rachel looked down at her precious Finn, so angelic and full of hope as he grasped her hands earnestly. How could she have ever gotten so lucky? She knelt down on the ground with him, squeezing his hands tightly.

"There aren't a lot of things I'm sure of in this world, Finn," she said, "but if there is one thing I am sure of, it's you and me. I'd say our shot at forever is pretty darn good."

He kissed her sweetly, softly, passionately, suddenly knowing what it felt like to be completely whole.


End file.
